The Sorting Hat's Love
by hahaharrypulp
Summary: This is disturbing, poorly written and discusting! Enjoy!


Dumbledore regally strode across the library carrying something in the crook of his arm. He gently leaned over Hermione who was studying alone at a table. "Hermione, I'm taking The Sorting Hat out while I dust my quarters. You wouldn't mind watching him for a bit would you?"

"Of course not, Dumbledore!" Hermione said smiling. She was pleased Dumbledore needed her help, even for such a mundane task.

Dumbledore plopped the hat down on a table near Hermione, patted her on the head and once again regally walked away.

Hermione returned to her studying when a gruff sing song voice chimed, "What you doing dragon fire?"

"Excuse me?" Hermione looked around the room curiously.

The sorting hat hopped from his table and landed in front of Hermione. His voice took on a deep baritone as he began to sing. It reminded Hermione of her mom's muggle 70's records.

You're as hot as dragon's fire  
Filling me with desire  
Your small tits and big ass  
Make my wand grow into a staff  
Say you want me to  
We don't have to make love, just screw

Hermione's mouth dropped open. "Wha-a-a-" She stumbled.

The sorting hat leaned closer. "I never forgot how good it felt to sit on your head your first year Hermione. I've wanted you ever since."

Hermione awoke from her shocked state. "What are you talking about?! This is crazy! You can't even shag anyone, you're a hat."

The sorting hat came face to face with Hermione, his stitched eyes boring into hers. "Don't knock it till you've tried it. I can do things to you no wizard your age can imagine."

"That's disgusting! You're disgusting!" Hermione admonished. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore."

"You wanna see where my penis is?" The sorting hat offered.

"What!?" Hermione looked over the sorting hat doubtfully. She couldn't help but be a little curious, yet repulsed at the same time.

The sorting hat sat on the table his face contorted in concentration. "Uhhhhnnnnn" "Uhhhnnnn" He begin to sink down like an accordion.

"What are you doing? Stop it!" Hermione demanded.

Suddenly the sorting hat flipped inside out. On the now reversed point of the hat dangaled a giant penis. His eyes and mouth transformed fully through the fabric.

"Tada!" The sorting hat exclaimed proudly.

Hermione stared in shock at the wobbling hat penis. "Wait, that would mean every first year who puts you on, would feel your penis on top of their head."

"Don't flatter me that much, Hermione." The hat cooed. "I'm not quite that big, but sometimes if I scrunch down on someone with a particularly rounded head I get a little tickle of contact. My semen is actually really good conditioner for witches and wizards hair. So sometimes I squirt a little surprise for them when I get a chance. I don't see what there is to complain about, but stupid Dumbledore always keeps an eye on me and it's hard to get away with." The hat finished grumpily.

"I'm speechless." Hermione's mind for the second time she could remember felt blank.

"Do you wanna touch it?" The sorting hat, tipped his penis towards her indicating.

She did want to touch it since it was a strange colored penis that looked incredibly soft, like the rest of his ragged velvet body, but that would be ridiculous. She averted her eyes. "Look, just turn yourself right side up."

The Sorting Hat caught her hesitation and moved in for the kill. "Look, no one is here but me and you, I won't tell anyone, my penis is as soft as butter and tastes like popcorn."

Hermione was trying to analyze whether that last statement meant something positive or negative when the hat bounded forward and locked her in a kiss.

She froze in surprise and a bit of horror as The Sorting Hat's mouth moved open and closed over her tongue, causing her to spit pieces of lint.

"What are you doing?!" She spat.

"I know you want me Hermione." The hat said huskily and he jumped up in the air. Hermione watched him startled, almost in slow-mo, her mouth open. The hat's penis landed perfectly as planned in her widened mouth and began bobbing up and down.

Hermione was almost too weirded out to take stock of the situation. She felt frozen in time, watching the hat's eyes squinting intensely. Before she had time to react the hat groaned and a blob of gooey cum dripped down her throat.

The hat jumped off and Hermione gagged.

"How dare you!" she screamed at the hat that looked dreamy eyed and content.

"You know you liked it." The hat said confidently.

Hermione made a sound of fury and stormed from the room.

The next day Hermione sat in the great hall picking at her breakfast.

"What's wrong with you Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Nothing I want to talk about." Hermione said grumpily.

Ron and Harry looked at her with concerned glances the rest of the meal.

Dinner was almost over when the door to the great hall opened. Dumbledore rose from his chair. The Sorting Hat bounded down the center of the hall. Hermione's stomach dropped. The Sorting Hat reached the podium. He cleared his throat and his voice boomed out loud enough for everyone to hear.

Hermione Granger  
Please don't be a stranger  
You're making me sob  
Since you ran away  
After you gave me that blow job  
Please say you'll stay  
And make sweet love until I spray

McGonagall's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she fainted. Hermione was furious. The room was in quiet shock until Malfoy spoke up. "Are you that desperate you have to blow a hat?" The rest of the Slytherin table broke out in laughter.

Hermione jumped from her chair. She walked over to the hat and slapped it across the face, where it fell sideways on the ground. She then ran out of the room.

"She turned me down for a bloody hat?" Ron said jealously. Harry was too stunned to speak or respond to Ron's idiotic comment.

Rain began to fall over Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat stood atop one of the towers looking down. Why are you so angry Hermione, the hat thought to himself. Why won't you give me a chance? The hat was having his first feelings for someone other than himself, and he didn't like it one bit. He looked down at the ground far below him. He hopped up on one of the tower railings.

"Goodbye cruel world." The hat intoned before he jumped from the edge of the tower. He closed his eyes awaiting the end.

A wind picked up and the hat spiraled, floating downward until he landed on the ground relatively unharmed.

"Oh shit, that's right I'm a hat."

Later...

"Do you want to talk about it Hermione?" Harry asked through the closed bathroom door.

"No I don't! I've been humiliated enough."

"Look, I won't judge you Hermione, you know me better than that." Harry pleaded.

"That, that disgusting hat, he just started kissing me and then jumped in my open mouth and before I knew what was happening h-he finished."

"That sounds horrible." Harry felt terrible but also was trying not to giggle.

"The sorting hat has a penis?"

"Yes, I do." Came a voice from down below.

Harry looked down at the sorting hat. "What are you doing here? Haven't you caused enough trouble?"

"Look, just let me talk to the girl, I'll sort this all out."

"Go away!" Hermione yelled through the door.

The sorting hat used his considerable powers to open the door and easily undid Hermione's wards. He slammed the door behind him and hopped over to the bed where Hermione was sitting.

"What are you doing in here!? Is there no way to be rid of you?"

"Look, Hermione." The Sorting Hat said reasonably. "I know I'm a little crass sometimes but give me one more chance."

Hermione eyed the hat suspiciously. "No! Are you crazy? You humiliated me in front of everyone."

"I would think telling everyone you gave blow jobs would improve your reputation." The hat finished sagely.

"Get out of here you insufferable, horrid, raggedy hat!" Hermione sputtered furiously.

"Hermione, be reasonable, all I ask is you give me one more chance. Give me one night to plow your sweetness and you'll see I'm not such a bad guy."

"Ahhhiieeee!" Hermione screamed in frustration as she kicked the hat across the room.

The hat unfolded itself from the wall. "I didn't want to have to do this Hermione, but you've given me no choice."

The Sorting Hat's eyes began to glow as he chanted. Hermione's face changed into a blank mask. When the chanting stopped, the hat hopped over to her. He scrunched down and flipped over, exposing his penis.

"That's right Hermione." The hat cooed. "Give us a ride."

Hermione undressed and laid down. The Sorting Hat moved to her pussy and began trying to give oral. His cotton mouth opened and closed over her opening. He bit down over her clit and began chomping away.

"Yesss..." Hermione groaned in her drug-like state.

"Take me now Hermione!" The hat groaned.

Hermione gripped the cotton and polyester hat and guided his penis in her pussy. The Sorting Hat's sounds of pleasure were muffled since Hermione's hand was over his mouth. Hermione gently rode the Sorting Hat making his penis slick and wet. She increased her pace and less than a minute later the Sorting Hat began to feel close to cumming.

"Bllaathshssss." The Sorting Hat moaned in pleasure. He pumped Hermione full of hot semen and collapsed, falling deep asleep.

Everyone began to notice a change in Hermione's behavior. She was quiet and distant and had a far away look in her eyes. She stopped hanging out with Ron and Harry and disappeared after her classes.

"Something is wrong with Hermione." Ron told Harry, concern on his face.

"Ever since that day the Sorting Hat told everyone she gave him head in the great hall." Harry shook his head sadly.

"Do you think she's embarrassed? Is that why she's acting weird?" Ron questioned his brain hurting from concentration.

"There's more to it than that mate. I say we get the invisibility cloak and follow her."

Later that day, Harry and Ron hid underneath the cloak and silently followed Hermione after she left class.

She returned to her dormitory where Harry and Ron managed to slip unnoticed through the door before it closed.  
They were met with quite a shock. The Sorting Hat was lounging on Hermione's bed smoking a pipe and wearing red hat sized pajamas. His penis dangled above the tip of his hat.

Ron and Harry tried not to vomit as within moments Hermione laid the hat down on the bed and began riding it. Her eyes blank as her moans permeated the room.

Harry and Ron rushed from the room, not caring if the door mysteriously swung open. Ron could barely keep up with Harry as he rounded two hallways before stopped and slid to the floor. Horror was etched in his face. Ron was trying not to vomit.

"Hermione is sleeping with the Sorting Hat?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"No, she hates that hat! She'd never do anything like this. Something must be wrong. Her eyes look blank and lifeless. She must be under an imperious curse or-or something." Harry said sadly.

"What do we do?" Ron asked tearfully.

"We have to tell Dumbledore."

"Yes, yes, I know all about The Sorting Hat's control over Hermione." Dumbledore chomped on jelly beans as he spoke, some spilling from his mouth and getting stuck in his beard.

"You do?" Ron's mouth gaped open.

"Of course. That hat has been getting harder and harder to manage." Dumbledore paused; his eyes took on a serious glint as he leaned forward. "I'm going to tell you boys a secret. The Sorting Hat..."

"Um... Dumbledore?" Harry asked.

"Blimy, he's fallen asleep!" Ron said surprised.

"Dumbledore, Dumbledore." Harry shook the old headmaster.

"Huh! What?!" Dumbledore snapped.

"The Sorting Hat, remember?"

"Oh yes, yes." Dumbledore snapped impatiently. "Let me tell you boys a secret." He leaned in once more. "The Sorting Hat isn't what he appears to be. He was once a wizard but a curse turned him into a hat and so he has remained for the last 2000 years."

"2000 years!" Harry said shocked.

"Yes Harry, you may remember him from stories long ago. This is why I cannot hope to challenge him on the matter of your friend. He was once known as.... Merlin."

What?! You've got to be kidding!" Ron interjected.

"His magic is old and ancient. Were I to intervene on Hermione's behalf he could destroy me and the entire school with the murmur of a word."

"Well that's, that then isn't it?" Ron said hopelessly.

"Ron! I can't believe you. There has to be a way headmaster. Isn't there anything we can do?" Harry pleaded.

Ron interrupted. "Wait does that mean Merlin is a dirty old git?"

"There may be a way." Dumbledore spoke gravely. "If Hermione was given great sexual pleasure from someone other than the hat, his control over her might be lifted.

"Well I'll volunteer for that!" Chirped Ron.

Dumbledore eyed him with disdain. "I have heard of your reputation as a lover Mr. Weasly. No, that won't do. It has to be someone more skillful."

"What about you Dumbledore?" Harry asked. "They say the older you are the more experience you have in... these matters."

"Well my dear boy I do have an insatiable appetite." Ron groaned inwardly at this confession. "However," Dumbledore continued, "I'm afraid it has to be someone with more... stamina."

There was a knock on the door.

"Ah, perfect timing. Enter." Dumbledore commanded.

Professor Snape strode into the room. "You wanted to see me Dumbledore?" He spoke coolly.

"You can't be serious!" Harry nearly jumped from his chair.

"Oh but I am. This is the only way to save Hermione. I am... familiar with Snape's lovemaking skills and can vouch for him."

Harry felt his lunch coming up again and tried to keep it down. "Headmaster, there has to be another way."

"I'm afraid not Harry." Dumbledore spoke calmly. "Snape may be the only one who can break through the hat's spell."

"My sexual skills are more than adequate for any witch or wizard." Snape said confidently.

"Very good, Snape." Dumbledore said. "I'll brief you on the situation. Meanwhile Harry, Ron, I will need you to distract the hat while Snape pleasures her."

"Won't he just cast the spell again?" Ron asked curiously.

"We need to distract the hat with a willing partner, one whom he doesn't need magic to control. He will eventually give up on Hermione and will at some point grow tired of his new love interest. This is usually how things go with him. Afterward, I will try to keep the hat in my cupboard where he belongs. It is the best I can do."

Ron wondered aloud. "But who are we going to get to have sex with a hat?"

Harry sat for a moment deep in thought. "What about Ginny? She's done almost everyone in the school. I mean I don't think she'd mind."

"That's my sister you're talking about!" Ron stood up angrily.

"Ginny seems like the best choice." Dumbledore said cheerfully, nonplussed by Ron's reaction. "I'll talk to the girl. You two set up a meeting between them. The hat may act stupid but he's smarter than he seems. You'll need to be subtle in your actions. While he is distracted Snape will bed Hermione."

"You can count on us Dumbledore." Harry sighed. It seemed after all to be the only way.

Ron's face was red with anger as he stormed out with Harry behind him.

Later...

"Hey Sorting Hat!" Ron yelled at the hat who was lounging in Hermione's dorm. Hermione was still in class.

The hat eyed Ron suspiciously. "Whadda you want Weasly?"

"Um, this girl has a crush on you and she's kind of shy so well she told me and Harry to come and ask you to meet with her."

"What girl?" The hat snapped.

Harry stepped forward. "She doesn't want us to tell you, but you'll like her. She's got more... experience than Hermione that's for sure."

Ron glared at Harry.

The hat eyed the two boys. "Alright I'll go with you but if you two are up to something you'll regret it."

The hat bounced out of the room following Harry and Ron until he reached the library. There in a quiet corner sat Ginny.

"There she is mate." Harry patted the hat in comradely.

"She's not that hot." The hat grumbled.

"She makes up for it in other ways." Harry assured him.

Harry and Ron watched Ginny and the hat chatting. She reached underneath the hat's rim and grabbed his penis. The hat smiled. The first part of their plan seemed to be going well.

Hermione returned to her dormitory. She wondered why the hat was not there. She started looking under the bed when a voice from behind startled her.

"Hermione." Snape purred.

"Professor Snape, what are you doing here?"

"You've been put under a spell Hermione. I've come to break you free from it."

Hermione seemed confused. Thinking seemed like such a hard thing to do lately. "What do you mean?"

"I've come to share my love making skills with you. I'm afraid it's the only way to free you. The hat is has placed you under a spell."

Hermione backed away. "What? No, no it's not true. Stay away from me."

Snape knew part of the curse was making her act irrationally.

"McGonagall already fluffed me up so I'm ready to go." Snape dropped his pants exposing his huge 11 inch penis.

Hermione stared at it in surprise.

Severes cast a spell removing Hermione's clothes. He gently pushed her down on the bed. "Lay down Hermione. You will soon feel the pleasure of Snape's snake."

Snape began sucking on Hermione's boob like a calf sucking on a cow's udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey and stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like someone eating a bag of potato chips. Hermione moaned like a ghost in a graveyard.

"You ready to ride the Snape Express?" Snape said silkily

Hermione nodded and Snape entered her like a plow to the earth. Hermione screamed in ecstasy her cries as loud as a whistling tea pot. Snape began pumping into her wildly as if he were digging for oil. Her pussy was as soft and wet as gillyweed. Snape smelled like the lacewings and snout gilts he used in his potions. Hermione's face contorted in pleasure like a clown at a birthday party as he continued his ministrations. The potion master was giving her more pleasure than Hermione had ever experienced. Her eyes became clear as she orgasmed with enough liquid to fill a pensive. Snape groaned as he finished shooting into her like a muggle water gun.

"What happened?" Hermione asked moving from underneath Snape.

"Apparently I have broken the control the hat had over you." Snape said arrogantly.

Meanwhile the hat was enjoying Ginny's sexual favors. He finished and lit a cigar.

"Look babe, this was great but I'm not a commitment type of hat. Besides I'm seeing Hermione."

"What do you need her for?" Ginny spoke suggestively. She leaned down to give the hat head.

Dumbledore, Harry and Ron sat in Dumbledore's office. "Well it seems everything's worked for the best." Dumbledore was once again eating jelly beans.

"Yeah, everyone got shagged but me." Ron said selfishly.

Dumbledore looked at Ron considering. "Harry, why don't you leave me and Ron alone for a minute?"

Harry, confused, walked out of the office. He stood by the door listening and heard heavy panting.

"Well I guess everyone has been shagged now but me."

Snape leaned against the wall. "Potter! Come to the dungeons for detention."

Harry smiled a little skip as he followed the potions master a little skip in his step.


End file.
